Tired of Fighting About Household Chores?

The Winning Strategy That Will Save Your Relationship

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“When Cleaning Windows,” 1943. Photo by Austrian National Library on Unsplash

A Half-Century of Chore Wars

It all started in the 70s, the result of that new-fangled notion of “gender equity.” 

Before that, men and women had defined roles.  Mothers were the “homemakers.” Fathers weren’t cleaning toilets or packing school lunches.  

I first heard the term “chore wars” from a magazine editor who asked me to write about it.  I immediately knew what she meant. In my marriage, I was the “Designated Doer” — a term I would later coin for a book about making families stronger.  It’s not that anyone forced me to Do It All when I married in 1966; I was simply following the societal script.

Then, the “click” — a moment of feminist awareness.  It doesn’t have to be this way. To his credit, my then husband stepped up to “do more,” but this is what it looked like: 

He’d leave for work each morning; I worked at home.  I planned meals, made appointments, shopped for food, bathed the kids, cooked and served dinner, and put the plates in the dishwasher.  I left the pots for him. He rarely did them immediately, and when he finished he’d announce, “I did the pots!” 

I wasn’t alone in my frustration — and couples are still battling over household chores today!  A 2019  survey from Yelp, tallying responses from 2,000 Americans (men and women in equal numbers), found that 80 percent of those living with a partner have disagreements about housework.  One-fifth of them say they disagree “often.”   

Fortunately, I’m no longer among them.  That’s because I follow my own advice (see below) and because history can be instructive.  My partner, who groans when it’s her turn to wash the dinner dishes, recently admitted, “I’m glad you told me the story about the pots!”

Why Do So Many Couples Continue to Do Battle?

A “chore,” for the purpose of this piece, is anything that needs to be done to maintain a household: cooking, cleaning, home maintenance.  If a couple has kids, there’s childcare — and, possibly, pet care. 

Couples and families — theoretically — have to divvy up the burden in a fair way.   The problem is, they don’t. 

Women are more often the Designated Doer, taking on most of the grunt work of running a household and remembering what needs to get done.   The pandemic has led to a slightly more equitable division of labor — men staying at home do more — but clashing over domestic responsibilities is still a reality in many households, even with same-gender partners.  

In part, it’s societal expectations; women do housework.  In part, it’s economics. When one partner earns more, the burden of unpaid labor tends to fall on the other’s shoulders.  And in part, it’s simply who the partners are — their personalities and past experience.   

But the nature of chores is also a big part of the problem.  Few of us actually enjoy them. 

Household chores are undervalued. No one pays you or compliments you. You rarely hear, “great job!” after cleaning the oven.  Or, “Amazing that you fed the cat….again.”  In fact, you’re lucky if anyone notices.

Many chores involve gross smells and handling things you’d rather not touch.  Think garbage, toilet bowls, drains clogged with hair and God-know-what.  

And worst of all:  household chores are boring and repetitive.   You vacuum.  The living room looks great.  But before you know it, you need to vacuum again. 

Face it: Maintaining a household is like Whack-a-Mole.  Just when you think you’ve beaten it down, it pops up again.

Why Battling Is Bad for Both of You

“I Like Hugs. I Like Kisses. But What I Really Love is Help with the Dishes.” –Author Unknown

Over the last decade, social scientists have come to the same conclusion:  Sharing chores = a stronger relationship.   

For example, a 2016 Pew Research Group report found that more than half of married U.S. adults (56%) – both with and without children – say sharing household chores is “very important” to a successful marriage.  

Equally important, when a woman shoulders an unfair burden at home, it is exhausting — and potentially deadly. 

Not surprisingly, this can affect her career and her health.  One study found that women who work more than 60 hours a week are at a higher risk of several chronic diseases.  Similar risks are not seen in men — according to the researcher, that’s probably because they have their evenings off. Men (and kids) get do fun things or just relax after dinner; mom keeps going.  

Rather than make waves, some Designated Doers throw up their hands in defeat.  They seethe in silence, accepting the unacceptable.  Although these couples might fight less, in such households there’s often an unhealthy undercurrent of resentment.

Others rail against their reality.  They complain and accuse:  “It’s all on me! You do nothing around here.”  

Either way, it’s unhealthy for the woman and for the relationship.  Luckily, there’s another way. 

How to Achieve a Lasting Peace

If you do the lion’s share and would rather not, here’s the short answer:  

Ask nicely

Instead of shoving a honey-do list in the other person’s face, by asking nicely, you use honey — as in the old expression, “You get more flies with honey.” Asking nicely gets the other’s attention and encourages them to turn toward you and listen.  

Start by setting a time to sit down together — just the two of you and, if you have kids, them as well. Even very young children can pitch in.  Make everyone part of the solution by thinking of your family as a “co-op.”  Everyone shares the work, and everyone shares the benefits. 

A note about kids pitching in: You’re doing them a favor.  Children who do chores are more successful in life. Responsibility early on does that.  Just as important, where else will they learn basic life skills?  (Probably not in school.) Moreover, this process gives a child practice in speaking up, cooperating, and negotiating.   

Make a list of everything that needs to be done and, next to each item, how often. (Download the — possibly overwhelming — 52-item checklist from Home Made Simple.) 

Then… 

Ask nicely for the other(s) to let you do the tasks you want to do.   

This tells them you are willing to share the burden and take responsibility for specific items on the list. 

I, for one, don’t mind laundry.  I probably wouldn’t have liked laundry before there were machines to do the scrubbing, but now it’s easy and fairly quick. I also love the feel of warm towels straight from the dryer. I take pride in being a “good folder.”  I don’t feel that same satisfaction after washing dishes!

Ask the other(s) which tasks they want to do.   

This lets them know that you are willing to give them choices. 

You might be surprised at their selection.   When I finally moved in with my partner of 26 years, I was shocked to learn that she liked to do errands on Saturday morning…alone.  She didn’t mind food-shopping or taking stuff to the dry cleaner’s — chores I was happy to let go.   

Ask for help with things that are hard for you. 

This lets the other(s) know that they’re in it with you. 

Some chores might  require more strength than you have or perhaps you have a “thing” about certain tasks. My dear friend Reggie couldn’t bear touching raw chicken.  Seeing me do it, she’d leave the kitchen.  Others have trouble tackling an organizational task, like cleaning out a closet or a garage. 

Ask to discuss the things no one wants to do. 

This acknowledges that although certain jobs are objectionable, they have to be done.  

Alternate and share difficult and distasteful jobs. Offer suggestions that help make such tasks less objectionable: wear a mask, team up, time yourself to make the chore more like a game. Be honest and specific.  And try to have a sense of humor about it:  “I don’t like to do laundry because I hate touching another person’s dirty underwear!”  

Ask each other to be creative. 

This acknowledges that there’s more than one way to do a chore.

Work together.  If you have different standards — you like your sheets changed weekly; others could go a month — look at what science says about how often things should be washed. Discuss and negotiate if necessary.  

Ask nicely when a chore is not done. 

This avoids skirmishes when someone forgets, or doesn’t do it on your timetable.  

Never start a sentence with an accusation: “You were supposed to…” [mop, do the dishes, take the dog for a walk].  Instead, put yourself in the other(s)’ shoes. Empathize:  “I hate mopping, too.” Notice baby steps: “I see that the mop is out.” Try find out what’s standing in the way and offer suggestions (“When it’s my turn, I use the Swiffer”).  In short, join with, instead of criticizing or going ballistic.  

Key takeaway:  Never correct or offer suggestions when a job isn’t done to your standards.  At least it’s done, and you didn’t have to do it!

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