Meet a 30-Year Old Who Still Thinks He’s a Kid
Dear Family Whisperer:
I have a problem, I have a son who is 30. Wherever he puts something, it stays there. No thought of putting it where it belongs. In the bathroom it’s the same. When he was in school, it was very hard for him to complete a task. He could be home all morning and I tell him when he is done with something turn around and put it away. It drives him nuts. It drives me nuts, to the point I feel disrespected. Usually people take off their shoes, then pic them up and take them to the bedroom. I can tell him take your shoes with you and he ignores. It seems it does not matter to him. That goes for clothes too. Like you say, sometimes if he wants someone over, things start to get picked up. Just not for me. Depends on his mood too. He does do laundry and puts that away. I don’t understand this. — Frustrated Mother (name withheld)
Dear Frustrated Mother…
This might sound harsh, but the description of your household is harrowing. Parenting adult children is tricky. It sounds like you’re living in fear and frustration — dominated by a self-centered young man. In a follow-up email, you added that your son pays no rent and doesn’t reimburse you for money you lay out. As you put it..
I am just someone to use…I am trying to get him financially under control. He just wants to support his spending habit. I told him I will not tolerate it.
Threats don’t work — unless you actually follow through. Here’s what you can do differently:
Take a step back so you see the whole family — and its history.
To understand a family drama, you have to consider all the players. It’s not clear from the email whether it’s just you and your son or whether other adults (parent? grandparent?) or children also live in you household. Either way, look at the big picture. Are there alliances? Does one family member spring to your son’s defense? Who is his ally? What is the “culture” of your family when it comes to money? Is spending carefully considered and discussed openly?
Look at what YOU contribute —and act in a way your son doesn’t expect.
Yours is the only behavior you have the power to change. Can you identify any long-standing patterns in your relationship that might be relevant to what’s going on now? You mentioned that it was “hard for him to complete a task” when he was in school. Did you threaten? badger him? feel sorry for him? come to his rescue? How long has this “dance” between you gone on? Remember how Einstein defined “insanity”? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result! If you change your steps, he can’t keep doing the same dance — or he might decide to leave the floor!
Recognize that your son is not a child.
He’s thirty years old — long past childhood in any culture. Grown-ups take on responsibilities and hold down jobs. They don’t disrespect people whom they live with and who care about them. They are aware of — and try to understand — others’ feelings. They support themselves.
Stop enabling.
From the sound of your emails, you hang on to shreds of hope— like the fact that he does his own laundry. You wish that your son would help in other ways. But he doesn’t and, each time, you accept and give in. You allow him to live rent-free. You allow him to be irresponsible. You allow him to entertain friends and pay for their snacks. You continue to support his spending habit. Even if he isn’t using your money to buy drugs, he’s “addicted” to the quick fixes you provide.
This is not to blame you for his behavior — only to get you to see that you’re helping perpetuate it.
Suggest that he seek help…on his own.
Perhaps depression or an undiagnosed learning issue is at the root of your son’s inability to fend for himself. If so, a professional has knowledge, experience — and, most important — emotional distance. You might suggest that he start by Googling “how do get help online for lack of motivation.” He’ll find an abundance of helping professions on line — psychologists, life coaches, clergy. Depending on where you live, he could also seek in-person counseling at a local family center, a community college, a facility that provides peer counseling. But he has to be willing to get help; you can’t do it for him.
If he doesn’t change his ways, set a move-out date — and stick to it.
If you really mean that you won’t “tolerate” his irresponsibility and out-of-control spending, give him an ultimatum. Don’t yell and threaten. Just tell him you need to sit down and make a plan with him. Be specific about your needs. And be concrete. He has to start pitching in now — or move out by a particular date. Whether that date is three months or a year from now, stick to it.
Bottom line: The longer you allow your son to dodge adulthood, the more dependent he will be.
Thank you to all the parents, grandparents, and children who sent questions to “Dear Family Whisperer,” originally published on Huffington Post. You can now submit questions here.
All Dear Family Whisperer questions will appear first on Medium.