Here’s a link to today’s post on Medium (if you’re not a member, this will get you behind the paywall): “A Forever-After Valentine’s Gift.”
Writing this piece, I was aware that some people will find it irrelevant. They don’t have A valentine. They are single by choice or by circumstance. They have friends, perhaps a rich social life, but not “a partner.” Bella DePaulo, a psychologist and researcher I’ve interviewed, rails against “single-ism” — and of course she’s right.
Perhaps I should have written a disclaimer in the Medium piece: Some of my best friends are happily unattached. They don’t miss having a significant other. But they still might enjoy reading this!
Actually, “significant other” is a regrettable term. Consider the breadth of consequential strangers — everyone outside your circle of close relations — family, dear friends, your so-called significant other). As my book about these “people who don’t seem to matter” illustrates, even those on the periphery of your life are important. The way I see it, most of us have many “other significants” in our lives.
Each time I change homes or move — as I have done quite frequently — I add other significants. It’s what makes a place feel like home.
- Katrina, who also has a toy poodle, is not a friend but our moments together in Le Champ de Mars help anchor me.
- Pascal, the “cheese guy” on rue de Grenelle, knows I love creme fraiche.
- The superintendent (la gardienne) lets me know I have mail — and warns me not to let Rocky pee in the garden on the way out.
None of these consequential strangers is my “valentine,” but each matters, each in a different way.
The truth is, all relationships require attention and tending: A nod, a smile (even in Paris), a comment that let’s the person know he or she is seen and remembered
So if you’re single, and you don’t want to read the above piece, I understand, but please know: The advice — ask questions, be curious about the other person, listen — is critical in any relationship, even with acquaintances you might otherwise take for granted.
In Buddhism “metta” is translated to mean loving kindness and/or befriending. One who practices metta meditation sends well wishes to all beings, and often Buddhist practitioners focus on sending these well wishes to strangers or their consequential strangers, ie those people we don’t know but see at the checkout counter, on our street, or at the local bodega.
Today is a great day to practice Metta, for all beings, including ourselves! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
What a great concept! Thanks for sharing it. Meta obviously transcend language so I can use it even with Paris shopkeepers!