Emotions run high these days. People get upset about little things. They rail against the new limitations. They take it personally that others don’t hold the same beliefs. Sometimes, this negativity spills out in odd ways. Living in a condominium with 419 units, it’s hard to find someone who isn’t nursing a long-held resentment.
You can still hear the anger, hurt, even fear in their voices. (Fascinated by a recent conversation with a man in his eighties who held a childhood grudge, I made a mental note to research “grudges.”)
Apparently, many of us hold grudges. And that’s no good, according to Dr. Frederic Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, who told a New York Times reporter:
…holding onto a grudge really is an ineffective strategy for dealing with a life situation that you haven’t been able to master.
Through Luskin’s lens, it doesn’t help to stay angry, sad, or resentful about situations in which we had no “mastery” — no control — say, with an overbearing father, a Board member who enforces rules unevenly, a friend who disappointed you. Even worse, some grudges are against people who felt menacing — at a time and in a situation in which you had no recourse, no protection. Years after these types of incidents, the scars remain.
As negative emotions go, a grudge is like guilt. It can poison you and has absolutely no effect on the other person. Instead, the anger, resentment, and revenge fantasies build and can cause your body to produce more cortisol — and less oxytocin. In short, the so-called stress hormone overpowers the “love hormone.”
As Luskin, author of Forgive for Good, explained in the New York Times piece:
…whenever you can’t grieve and assimilate what has happened, you hold it in a certain way. If it’s bitterness, you hold it with anger. If it’s hopeless, you hold it with despair. But both of those are psycho-physiological responses to an inability to cope, and they both do mental and physical damage.
Sophie Hannah begs to differ. Describing herself as a “bestselling writer of crime fiction,” in 2019 Hannah turned her attention to grudges. In her 2019 advice book, How to Hold a Grudge, she wonders…
What if our grudges are good for us? What if they’re the psychological equivalent of leafy green vegetables that nourish and strengthen us? (Page 8)
Hannah suggests that she can help her readers “process the feelings spurred by the offending incident and to put it into perspective since all grudges are not equal.” She includes a “grading system” to help identify and analyze each grudge and, thus, understand its power.
The grading system asks questions about the intention of the person who wronged you (definitely bad, possibly bad, not bad); the nature of the situation (very serious, somewhat serious, not very serious); if you were harmed seriously (yes, maybe, no).
You can take Hannah’s test here.
I don’t need to. Hannah acknowledges that some possess “the only healthy and harmless way to hold no grudges.” Her son is one of them.
…If someone is horrible to him, he just wants it to be over – not only because it’s unpleasant but also, and mainly, because any kind of problem, anything that’s made him angry or upset, is something he’s fundamentally not interested in.
In the final analysis, grudge-holding is probably not all bad or all good. It depends on the person. Some don’t hold on to resentment; some can’t help themselves — in which case, it’s better to dig in, as Hannah suggests.
I prefer not to nurse grudges (or guilt). Usually, I just ask myself, how important is it? If the hurt or anger stays with me, I try (somehow) to muster the courage to go back to the person who “wronged” me — if possible. (Grudges against the deceased are really thankless!) If not, I move on.
Interesting writing. I also think a grudge can be a teaching moment to change behavior of the “grudgee”. I doubt one can change the behavior of the “grudger”. I fone could then there would no longer be a need for the grudge.
I too attempt to let go and am usually successful. In one particular instance I have also learned from the grudge to set boundaries as I cannot dismiss this “grudgee” from my life.
Our only real mistakes are the ones we do not learn from! Thanks for your reply.
Timely! My sister and I have spent endless hours over the years venting our frustration and anger over our mother’s actions. Now I find myself in charge of writing her obituary. It obviously has given me the opportunity to assess. As Holly mentioned, this relationship with my mother taught me how to set up productive boundaries. Her death , however has given me the opportunity to recognize and accept these grudges and frustrations more clearly and to find a way to forgive both my parents and myself in a way I couldn’t when she was alive. It would have been better if I’d been able to do this years ago; not for her but for me.
Greg, I had no idea your mother passed. My condolences. I am glad if the post helped even a little