On the Death of an Ex: Grief Isn’t Just “for” the Kids

This post was inspired by a conversation with the woman I call my “wife-in-law.” She is married to my ex-husband.  I thank her for her first read of this piece and for allowing me to share her story beyond the boundaries of our family.    

My wife-in-law’s ex-husband died last week.
They were married for 14 years, divorced for twice as long.
The ex had a son and daughter from a previous marriage.
My wife-in-law was their second mother.

Long after the divorce, my wife-in-law stayed connected to the children
She and her ex weren’t “in” each other’s lives.
But when the daughter had a serious and ultimately fatal bike accident
They shared the kind of heart-wrenching grief that only a parent understands

If done right, divorce ends a marriage not a family.
Today, my wife-in-law, her family, and the stepson from her first marriage
Are part of my family apart — a constellation of characters related by blood and by remarriage.
We share each other’s stories, milestones, triumphs and tragedies.

Our exes are no longer front and center, but the fathers of our children are always in the wings.
Our children, now adults themselves, tell us about their lives. 
They gripe about the same quirks that once annoyed us.
They complain that Dad is getting forgetful or grumpier than usual.

We listen, we women who ended our marriages to these men. 
Decades later, we can still get caught up in their dramas.
And when the fathers falter or start to fail, “the kids” worry.
Dad’s not aging well.  Dad’s depressed. Dad needs help.

My wife-in-law’s stepson asked her to reach out to his dad.
It felt natural to offer advice and solace to the father of her child.  
Caring, intimate texts went back and forth between them.
And then he was dead.

My wife-in-law is in shock but grateful for those final exchanges
Captured and immortalized in a string of messages on her iPhone
Her last conversation with the man who gave her children.
She reached out “for” her stepson, she says — but I say she reached out for her. 

I offer as proof and read to her the final paragraphs of “Divorce Family Style,” a piece I wrote 30 years ago after completing months of interviews with divorced parents who co-parented.  I didn’t remember the exact words, but the message stayed with me all these many years:

After all the shouting is done, no one else has the same depth of feeling about a child as the other natural parent. Constance Ahrons [a psychologist interviewed for the piece] was reminded of that recently when one of her daughters called to say that her father – Aaron‘s first husband – had been rushed to the hospital. “He was apparently OK but I couldn’t sleep that night. At first, I thought it was because I worried for my daughters. Then I realized I was worried for me. I was scared I was going lose him. We divorced 25 years ago but he is my partner in terms of those children.”

Hearing Aaron story, I, too, had to admit: when it comes to my children, my ex-husband is still my partner. And whenever anything happens that concerns the children, their father is undoubtedly the first person I’ll call… till death do us part.

My wife-in-law now has no one to call about her stepson.
Ironically (and perhaps fittingly), the person who understands this most is me.