Texting: the New Quality Time

I received a text from my daughter today, inviting me to lunch with her 10-year-old — Grandson #3 — before they take in a Mean Girls matinee.  It made my day.  And it made me think about texting.

Jen and I talk on the phone regularly but much less now that she, at 50, is getting a nursing degree.  It’s not like she wasn’t busy before. She works as an EMT — with one tween and two teenage sons at home — manages to squeeze in time for workouts and racquet sports, and is also the day-to-day manager of her household minutiae.*  

I’m not quite as busy as Jen (happily so!) but no less on the run.  I have no kids at home, but I recently adopted a puppy.  I’m constantly packing, traveling, unpacking, restocking the fridge and figuring out where to find the bathroom when I’m half-asleep.

No surprise, then, that sometimes texting is the best way to communicate with my daughter. 

It’s not just a mother/daughter thing.  Almost all relationship pairs nowadays talk via message apps and connect by sharing links. A 2008 Pew Research Center report noted that internet and cell phones are “seen as positive tools for improving the quality of communications with family members, particularly those who live elsewhere.”

In earlier centuries, messengers on horseback and telephones made it possible to keep in touch.  Now, computers, tablets, and smartphones allow us to spend time in real-time even if we’re countries apart. 

Texting is the new “quality time.”  Wikipedia defines “QT” as…

an informal reference to time spent with close family, partners or friends that is in some way important, special, productive or profitable. It is time that is set aside for paying full and undivided attention to the person or matter at hand. It may also refer to time spent performing some favorite activity.

Admittedly, exchanging digitized messages is not liking having a face-to-face conversation or even a phone call.  Still, texting meets the definition of “full and undivided attention,” even if only for a few minutes.  It’s a quick glimpse into our loved ones’  daily lives. 

A text reveals that Jen’s at school on a break; she did well on her exam.  My partner is about to have lunch with another ambassador.  My 17-year-old grandson is “off book” for his role as Scoop Rosenbaum in his drama club’s production of The Heidi Chronicles.  A dear friend received good news from her oncologist about her last MRI.  

Mothers of my generation were the first to debate the merits of so-called quality time.  The term first appeared in print in 1973, in an article entitled, “How To Be Liberated.”   

The major goal of each of these role changes is to give a woman time to herself, Ms. Burton explained. “A woman’s right and responsibility is to be self fulfilling,” she said. She gives “quality time” rather than “quantity time” to each task, whether it be writing, cleaning the house or tending the children.

My late mother-in-law, Dorothy wasn’t buying it.  Quality time was a phrase women’s libbers invented to assuage their guilt at abandoning their traditional duties.  (Turns out, we didn’t abandon anything; we just added new roles.)

As a grandmother in 2019, I’m hoping “GG” (Grandma Dorothy’s great-grandma name) was wrong. Quality time is more important than ever.  The grandkids are endlessly enrolled and otherwise engaged, and so are their parents. They often don’t have time (or the inclination) to talk on the phone, let alone plan overnight visits.

And it’s not just them:  I live in Manhattan, 40 minutes away via tunnel or bridge. Many months of the year, I’m often a lot more than 40 minutes away and can’t be with them.   

I’d like to see “my boys” more frequently as they morph into young men, but given once- or twice-a-month visits, and some months no visit at all, I have to settle for a time-lapse view of their development.  Between visits, we text. 

I’d never suggest replacing the bedtime story or snuggles with a well-worded text.  But when we can’t actually be with our grandkids, texting is not a bad way to connect.  

Apparently, I’m not alone.  The Pew report concluded that…  

Most adults consider their family today to be as close, or closer, than the family they grew up in as children thanks to the internet and cell phones.

The key to turning texts into quality time, especially with grandchildren (but with their parents, too!) is what author Kare Anderson calls “mutuality.”  She typically applies the principles to work situations, but they’re no less important when dealing with loved ones. 

Be authentic. Don’t talk at, talk with.  Don’t only ask them what they’re doing, learning, or taking part in.  Let them know what you are doing, learning, and taking part in, too. Send photos of things you love, links to subjects that interest you.  Ask for their help as often as you offer yours.    

In a recent text to my oldest grandson, I told him I was considering a course in podcasting and sent him the link to get his opinion.  He texted back: “Sounds really interesting! Go for it.”  A few minutes later he called and said, “Minna [my grandma name], if you enroll, we’ll have three generations in school at once!”  That was all the push I needed. 

Ultimately, texting will deepen your relationship, because you’ll get to know them better, and every little detail about your life will ultimately help them create a portrait of who you are.  And if that’s not quality time, what is? 

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* This is not to cast aspersions on Jen’s husband, who is way more involved and capable than fathers of previous generations.  Despite this, and no matter how demanding their non-family pursuits are, mothers still do the lion’s share at home.)